I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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