I wish my penis had an off switch
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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