Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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