weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
