So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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