Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
