I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
