Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
