How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize
