why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
someone get that fucking seahorse.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
