i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
