Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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