I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
