Where did you get a picture of my penis
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
