There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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