Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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