I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
the liver wants what the liver wants
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
