I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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