Don't make out with my wife yet
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
