Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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