Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
