I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
