eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
