so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
