I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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