My hand turned me down
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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