I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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