Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
They are going to name an STD after you.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
