I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
