After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
