census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
