Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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