Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
