Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
