Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
