I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
