My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
That accounts for only three of the penises
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
