The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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