my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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