i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
