420 ftw
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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