I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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