she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
