So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
