I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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