RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
