I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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