Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
