I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
