i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Welp...herpes.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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